Sunday, June 7, 2009

3rd Week Back: Sad

Preparing to go to church today was hard. I hated to go alone. Then I thought of people whose spouses are not mormons yet they go to church. Mind you, all the people that I personally know in this position have children. Maybe having children to take to church makes going to church easier for some people.

When I got to church I sat down in one row and the woman in front of me was counting rows to see if the number would accomodate the number of families that they were expecting. She told me that each family likes to have their own row. I wondered if that means I'd be sitting alone or in the wrong row. I ended up sitting alone. That was uncomfortalbe although I never really cared before. It really bothered me today. When the RS president was done playing the organ in sacrament she came and sat beside me. She could have gone to sit with her SS teacher husband, married in the temple son and daughter-in-law, and recently returned missionary son, but she sat with me instead. It felt good to have her sit with me; I didn't feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb as much.

The rest of the block went well. While I heard nothing that really frustrated me I just felt so insecure. I felt like I was being judged for taking the sacrament even though I know that I am within my rights to do so. I've never felt bad about taking sacrament before either. And there is a part of me that feels that I don't have much to offer this church. When I was a young adult I remember feeling like I could be an effective leader, similar to my roles as a missionary, and do so much for good in this church. Now I feel like I suck the energy out of people. They're very nice, but I feel like they know that they have to be so careful with me. I feel like I'll never be anybody's source of strength. I feel like I'm on the fringe looking like I need to be supported more than I can actually be a support.

I'm scared about what this church can do to mess me up. I'm afraid that I'm going to become upset about the life I chose and become disillusioned about my marriage b/c it doesn't look like the typical mormon marriage/family. My husband is a good man. He is a loyal, funny, and thoughtful man. He works hard to take care of his home, me and his kids in many ways. How can I lose faith that he and I are as good for each other as we've been for 8 years? If I don't fit in with the church I'm afraid that I'm going to resent my life outside of it. It brings me to tears to think that being involved with the church again is going to change my outlook on a marriage that I am happy in b/c I'll never amount to anything more than what I am in the church. It seems like a conflict. There is so much to reconcile. I wonder if I have it in me. It's been an emotional day. My husband and I even argued, which fueled fear of me losing faith in my marriage outside of the church. Maybe I'm giving the church too much power. Sorry that this post seems so down.